Be careful Whom You Marry!

By Apostle Cathryn Ndyabagye

Questions To Ask Yourself Before You Get Married.

When men and women are dating, they should consider always asking your date these questions and listen to their answers and see if they go with how you feel. This gives you an idea if they will be compatible to you or not.

1. What are your three best qualities?

2. What are your dislikes?

3. What are you looking for in a woman/man?

4. Do you feel men and women are equal?

If a person gives bad answers or immature ones, you will know they are not the one for you. This is a good way to find out right away, if that person is good for you to be dating. If their answers are selfish and not Godly, and pleasing only themselves, you can see it quickly by the answers they give. Be choosy and particular in who you choose, so you can find the right person, and take your time.They should be able to give you a solid good answer and you will be able to see what type of person they are by their answers. This can eliminate your dates if they are not good for you.

I have been working with people on the net since 1999, and I have met many people who met on the net. Many were scammed by those pretending to love them. Those from various countries.

I know many women who were scammed. They were in contact with people who they pretended to be honest and nice, only to be taken advantage of. The scamers whole scheme was  to get married to go to their country. They were so deceitful.

Every person on the net that scams people will be totally accountable to God. Maybe they got their way when they scammed someone but they will pay the punishment of that scam in front of the Lord. So scamming will come back on them in the lake of fire. This goes for fake pastors too! You can't play with people's lives and use them just to marry them and get your way. God hates deception!

One of my friends she went to Ghana to the Buduburam Camp to meet her boyfriend she met online. She took her kids with her. Her boyfriend claimed to have an orphanage. She left Ghana with him to go to Liberia. Only to find he really didn't own an Orphanage.

She married this man anyway. And, she was not allowed to go into the courthouse with her own husband to file her marriage license. They didn't even spell her name right on the marriage paper.

They were married at a Church and her husband and his friend went together into the courthouse to have everything stamped. Can you Imagine not being able to go with your husband into the courthouse to finalize your marriage?

While in Liberia, She adopted two children. She went to the courts and make the adoptions legal.

Then, after she left Liberia, her husband was demanding she send lots of money each month to him to care for those children. (The scheme he devised to scam her to get money from her).

She became drained of all her funds and had to even sell her home. He brought nothing but trouble for her. She found out later after investigating that these kids were not even orphans. They had parents...

Men and women should not marry each other just because someone lives in another country or just to travel. This is not a reason to marry anyone.

There are many things you have consider before you ever marry a person. Have you thought about love?Compatibility? Do you really know this person inside and out?  Is it really about love and knowing each other well?

Advice about people you are interested in overseas:

Marriage is not about using people and taking advantage of them. And many people do this online. Many are scams.. Be aware and keep your spiritual eyes opened.

There are people who met on the net who have wonderful happy marriages and they were very careful to investigate and find out about the other person. Even get verification or send people to check out their family or meet with them.

Getting to know a person for awhile, and having the same goals, put together by God, able to work together in all situations--that is being wise.

Marriage can't be based on just attraction, sex, or material things. If you learn to appreciate the fellowship of God and be friends and work from there, it's better. Then if you love that person you can think about marriage later.  If the marriage is compatible in God--everything else will be good! AMEN

To the American people seeking marriage on the net. I highly advise you to go find a friend in the same country as your boyfriend, or girlfriend to go and meet them for you. know what type of person they are and make sure their story is true and what they tell you is real.

You need to know what type of person you are writing to. To see if they are a good person or bad one. You should allow yourself several months, (highly advisable--a year), to get to know that person well, before you plan marriage with them. Make sure it's God! 

Allow time to get to know their habits, how they handle disappointment, see if they get angry easy, see how patient they are, etc. Making sure they are not using you, that they are not marrying you for your money. See if they ask for money or things from you. This all gives you good insight to how a person is. If they are just a taker or a giver.

Many people overseas have it locked into their mind that Americans are rich. And this is a lie of Satan! Many want the opportunity to take advantage of the situation to get to America. I am being totally honest with you.

Believe me, they can be very convincing that they care and love you! Niceness is not what you look at.. so be sure, and be honest with yourself. Ask God for wisdom and knowledge about that person.  Anyone can make up a story and sound convincing.

We should not be gullible when serving God. We must have our spiritual eyes opened to see all things.

1 Thessalonians 5:21 Prove all things; hold fast that which is good.

You can't just fall in love with people on the net quickly. Be slow to get to know them. Always being conscience of what god is to show to you about them. Take your time to know them.

Many people say a lot of untrue things on the emails. So you must guard yourselves and use the discernment of God in everything, and be very careful.

Ask lots of questions and make sure their explanations match are are true--with their story unchanged. If they change their story you ask them about it again. Keep track of all you talk about. This could save you in the long run, if they are a scam.

Once you find lies or deception you should block them and not deal with them anymore. You can't be opened to this type of behavior or you will become a victim in their trap.

If a person is true and honest, they will always be consistant and God will show you, and you will know too. God will always give you warning if something is not right. So listen to God and follow the Lord in this. When warning comes to you, take heed and really hear God in it. It will save your life.

I have been scammed before so I know this first-hand. And I have learned the difference in scams and honest people, and I have lived in other countries to see them first-hand.

I am very careful whom I deal with online. Its hard to get a scam past me :) I give God all the glory and praise for that! AMEN I do not allow myself to be around scams. I cut them off, if I find they are only trying to use me or be deceptive. This includes people who call themselves pastors too! Be careful about them--Those who beg and ask you for things and money. A true man of God will not be pressuring you about money or things! God will show you when to give. You don't need anyone pressuring you to give AMEN!

There is another thing you must consider before getting involved a mate overseas.  Always check the cost of residence visas, make sure you are getting the right visa when going there. If you are planning to marry, always determine before you marry where you are going to live--in their country or yours. You must know the laws in both countries of what is required regarding the paperwork and cost. There is a lot to it and it can become expensive!

I know people who married in other countries that wanted to live in America, they found out that the spouse from America has to return home after they marry and the wait is a year and a half until they get approval to bring your spouse to America. So there is a lot to this.

IF you get married in America then it's not so bad. The paperwork can be done here. And you won't have to be separated.  

And if you get married in another country and live there in the other country, then it's much better and not so difficult. Be sure to always check into everything first though, to save your hassles and know the cost involved and what is expected.

Give yourself time to get to know each other in person too. Making sure you want to marry that person. 

I get so disappointed to hear so many pastors who go overseas and leave their families for many months or for a year or two.  Some even marry another women in American, and other countries. And once their spouse in the country they are in, or in  America find out, it's illegal, and they are breaking international law. They can also be arrested for 'marriage fraud' and go to jail for a long time. So make sure the person you are interested in does not have a wife in his country. AMEN!


Advice to married men women:

If you are only out to pursue your own dreams, you are not being considerate to your family. People who are selfish and only pursue their own dreams, and do not think about how their family feels, or plan with them, and they are being left out. You should decide everything together and not separate your lives. Your spouse should know all you are doing and you should be free to tell her/him. This is honesty

If you do not share everything and leave each other out and do not tell what you are doing, and plan together, you  end up losing your ONENESS because you are not doing things as family. This I blame on the one who leaves the family to pursue his own dream and leave his family high and dry. Not ordained of God at all!

Infidelity happens so much when spouses are separated too long, and this happens too much! It should not be happening at all in the BODY OF CHRIST! AMEN!

The Bible is very clear on spouses not leaving each other for a very long time. So we must stay focused on God in everything. AMEN

Either take your family with you, or study in your own country, so you can be with your family and not be separated from them for a long time.

Men Need to realize about Women:

I know it's important the traditions in many countries, for the man to be the King of the house, and if you are not making your wife the Queen happy, something is wrong! She needs her emotional need met also, and many men are not aware of this.

By being kind and sensitive to what bothers her, and if you are not meeting those needs, you are not being the husband she needs.

If you are acting being cold and bossy to her, always leaving her, and ordering her around she will rebel against you. We are all accountable for our actions that cause others to stumble. The Bible says not to be a stumbling block to anyone and the consequences if we are...

1 Corinthians 8:9 "But take heed lest by any means this liberty of yours become a stumblingblock to them that are weak."

To be honest, not all woman can be away from their husbands a long time. Some can handle better than others. Not all though. So why chance it?

We all are accountable in how we do things and what we do to others, and how it affects the relationship! AMEN

Some men seem to think that being husband is just being the BOSS. When you go into marriage, it has to be in mutual respect to one another in LOVE. Both the lady and man is the boss together over their children. So one is not better than the other in God's eyes and being boss has many responsibilities and requirements. :)

Men are supposed to be the spiritual leader. Not in dominance, but rather in humility and love. The example for the kids and family to follow. Women this could apply to you too, if you become bossy and abusive to your husbands!

Everyone knows that women bare the children and she cares for them, and the roles that go with marriage and the house, and that the man should work to provide for his family. And this is supposed to be teamwork too not doing things alone.

I think that the biggest lack in Christian marriages is, they all go their own separate ways! They lose the bond they had at the altar of love, and don't take their vows seriously after they leave the altar. But after the altar and the rest of your life, you are required to work on that relationship to keep it strong in love.

When a man has his household in order, he is the sweet, loving kind patient man, and is ready to serves his family in love. He is not afraid to spend time with his family and he never too busy to  know his family, and enjoy them.That is when you see a comfortable 'God loving spirit' in the home.

When the man is demanding, bossy, expecting his wife to serve him like she is his maid service, this causes stress, hurts and misunderstanding and belittles her and the family. This does not show honor to the woman at all. The kids are scared and there is no true ONENESS in the Spirit of God in that marriage. And everyone can see how the man acts and the man can't fool anyone--especially God!

Women who are truly happy are free to be her in her home. An oppressed woman is easily seen, by a brutal mean husband who can't love her right.



Men, keep the right attitude towards your wife, and women keep a right attitude with your husband too. Don't order each other around. Treat each other good and respectful as God wants you to. Ask kindly when you want things done, or want something. Using common courtesy.

Controlling men take it upon themselves to make the Bible 'fit in' with their own beliefs, and they degrade the women at the same time and expect to have a 'Godly marriage'. But their dictatorship is killing marriages every day and they are too blind to see this!

Jesus was a prime example on how to treat women. Jesus was not on an 'ego trip' or controlling. So should a man be Christ-like and the woman too!

What are team players in marriage?

They are people who show mutual respect for one another and work together. You are not lopsided. They never think they are better than each other, they stay focused on God and each other. Never giving up on pleasing each other. Especially in hard times!

That is the true focus of LOVE. You are ONE IN CHRIST so act like Christ, and lay your life down for your friend--Your spouse and make them happy.

When God made man over the woman, it was not the way men think. You are breaking what God taught of you when you twist the Word the way you want it to be for You. You are responsible for being the leader in Love, in Christ, making sure your family is taken care of. That is what it means--not being a dictator but life-long lovers in Christ and a close-knit family.

I think men abuse the Scriptures so much, and do not get the full picture of their roles in marriage and leadership. Unless they are a loving understanding--husband who is a giver.

A true man of God will live closely to what the Bible says and will understand his role deep inside his heart. He follows the love of God closely and is sensitive to his spouse and family.

Only a man who is controlling and does not care what the Bible teaches will blow things out of proportion. Hate and mistreatment is not of God! When ungodly men are brutal there is no way he can please his wife or family--he hurts and damages his Godly wife.

The God fearing man knows love because it's God given, and He walks in 'self-control', watching his own behavior, instead of controlling others, and this husband will walk in the wisdom of God. AMEN

I am using many angles to teach these relationships and how thing happen. So, I Hope you don't mind. I try not to repeat too much but I want you to see many views of what happens to couples. And I know many of you relate to them.

Some cultures in this world allow abuse, and this makes life hard for many families! Keeps their societies in constant oppression and there can't be freedom they need in Christ. AMEN And as a Christian we are NOT suppose to be abusive in the first place--men or women. Living by man's ways or theories is not God's will, only by living in the Love of the Lord by Word of God.

Men will be accountable to God how they treat their wife, and women are accountable how they treat their husband and both are accountable the example they are being to their children.

Points to help men treat their spouse and families better:

*Men, love your wives and to not be harsh with them or mean.
*Men, They are to love and protect her from harm.
*They are to be a true example and have a 'Christ-like Spirit' towards their wife.
*You never should treat your wife like a slave, servant, or housekeeper. You should love her like God wants you to. You should treat her like she is a gift from God.
*Men don't just treat your wife as a baby bearer.
*Men should not neglect their wives or be hard on them.
*Men should be givers to their wife and try to please her not hurt her, and love her and not neglect her in bed.

*Stay loving and patient with your kids.

*Teach your children the love of Jesus and the word. Be an example of Christ to them.

*Always be willing to communicate and work out any problems your family is facing and take it to heart.

*Men should be givers to their wives.

*Men should please his wife in bed.

Points to help women treat their spouse and family better:

*Women should love their husbands and be sweet to them.
*Women support your husbands.
*Women are to be true examples of love to their husbands with a Christ-like spirit.
*Women should not nag their husbands but deal with them in a peaceful way.
Remember men are logical, so they need you to talk to them not in emotional way--in a calm logical way.
*Do not be afraid to talk to your husband. You should have good communication with him. He needs to know how you feel. Do it without nagging. :)

*Women should not neglect their husbands in bed. Love your husbands with your whole heart. Do not play head-games with him with your emotions!

*Women should be givers to their husbands.

 The Scriptures were not written to put people into a bind. Jesus didn't die for us to be bound. He died so that we might have life, and have it more abundantly!

He wants both wife and husband to be happy not bound by problems. And the best way to solve the problems is to check your own self, correct your own faults, make it right with your spouse, apologize and pray that God will help you both. Always communicate and compromise for a good solution between you both.

Are you offending your spouse?

Is your wife getting mad because you are not listening to her?

Is she getting mad because you are being unfair? Try to work it out. Always be willing to apologize if you misunderstand each other. Apologize when you are wrong, Forgive, let the past go and start anew and God will bless you!

Women normally will not rebel or go against husbands, if they are treated with respect and loved. Women need to feel secure in love.

If you do not care about the emotions of the lady, then you do not know your wife well.

So remember, if a women is happy, she will not nag you, If you are not keeping her happy she will be nagging. So if this happens you better find out what is bothering her and solve the problem.

Search yourself and stop finding fault with her when something is bothering her. See what it is... Then do something about it to change things so she will be happy again. It's not hard to figure out if you take the time to see it and do it. :)

I hear men say they have problems with their wife. When you get down to the root of the problem, it is sometimes caused by a demanding husband, or he is neglecting her. And yes, sometimes it is the lady too. Depends on what is happening.

To be honest, most women (unless they are just plain greedy) will not rebel if they are happy with their husband.

If you can make her feel better emotionally and care about her emotional needs, even just listening and showing her that you care about what she is saying, will make a real difference and give you a chance to work the problems out.

Do not go around degrading her to neighbors,or in front of people, do not embarrass her!Try the opposite. Say good things about her and focus on her good points. This feeds into the positive of your relationship and will build it up strong. AMEN

Women hate being degraded such as men do. tearing each other down to others only hurts your relationship more, and is a bad habit, and example to all. This will only defeat your own marriage that way. Why give into the devil to be so negative and feed into his lies.

If you really care about each other, you will never do anything to harm each other. In private or publicly. You will do whatever it takes to work out the problems. That is the Godly way to deal with your spouse. Protect your privacy and love!

If a spouse sins in adultery. If she/he is unfaithful, then the innocent spouse has to decide if the marriage is over, or not. Jesus does give you permission to divorce if the spouse is unfaithful. Some can forgive and save the marriage is the unfaithful spouse repents and changes their ways--getting their life right with God and their spouse.

Some spouses can't deal with infidelity and have a right according to scripture to divorce the cheating spouse. For the vows are broken and there is no longer a ONENESS in the marriage if the unfaithful one becomes one with another. There is no room for cheaters in God's house or family. SO it's up to the spouse who is being cheated on how they should handle it. Jesus will honor whatever they decide for he permits divorce in fornication.

Each person has to decide how that unfaithfulness affects their marriage, and is NO business of anyone else to decide for the couple. It is their own business and they have to work that out and make their own decisions alone. This is the right God gave to each person.

The Bible says that 1 Corinthians 7:15 "But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace.". So let people stop judging those who face these things and pray for them. Support your brothers and sisters more in the Lord instead of gossiping among yourselves in the body of Christ. AMEN!

It's not people or their opinions that run our life. It's God who runs our hearts and minds in the Spirit. God shows us what to do. So we all need to respect others privacy more. AMEN

Jesus gives you that choice in those cases. You can and give a sinning spouse a chance or you can end the relationship. Jesus leaves that choice up to you. You are not obligated to stay with a marriage, when the spouse has committed adultery. Some people can forgive and start over, others have to end their marriage because the spouse will not stop committing adultery. Jesus only allows divorce in that case

Jesus said,in Matthew 9:9 And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.

A man or woman cannot just throw away their marriage because problems arise. See what the word says,

Malachi 2:16 “The man who hates and divorces his wife,” says the LORD, the God of Israel, “does violence to the one he should protect,” says the LORD Almighty. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful.

What if my wife is mad all the time and Nagging me too much?

Are you leaving her too much and not feeding your family? Are you not working and taking care of them? Maybe you are doing something that you can correct to make her happy!

Maybe she is lacking in some areas that she needs help in.

If a woman's emotional condition is stressed, you need to be the strong one to help her through that hard time and be patient.

If she is mad at you, you must be doing something that is not helping. That is what it means that the man is the stronger one.

You need to be more patient and caring of her needs. Do not rebel against her emotional needs, or you are not helping the situation.

If a woman's emotional needs are not met--You need to make sure your woman is secure in your relationship in all ways. If she is totally secure she will be a happy wife and the nagging and anger will cease.

Sometimes it's because she is feeling insecure or that you do not care about her needs. So do something about it now!

In good relationships you see the wife and husband sit down and work things out together by good communication and planning. They pray together and give to each other. They never want to cause trouble for one another and truly, they would not betray one another or do anything to hurt one another. Truly in love with each other.

Many relationships go sour so much when the couple go their own separate ways in their marriage, by not giving or caring anymore. They get totally lazy.

You have to keep feeding the marriage to make it grow. Just as you pray all the time to stay On Fire for God.

Giving is something you do ALL the time. You don't just give to get. You give from the heart. And it's continual. It makes your marriage blossom like a flower in the Lord.

When couples start 'expecting' each other to give, instead of just giving to the other freely, their whole attitude changes and relationship.

That is not what God wants. He wants us to always try to keep giving and keep pleasing.Never stop! Stop being so selfish and start thinking of the other person more.

Don't let a a wall that come up between each other with selfishness by 'Expecting from each other'!

Giving keeps the ONENESS of God in the relationship. Only taking-- all the time, causes so many problems!

So when the giving stops, so does everything else. Marriages takes giving and working on the relationship all the time! This is why they say that it takes two to make a marriage and takes two to break it.

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