Translate This Page


What Causes Lack Of Oneness In A Christian Marriage?

By Apostle Cathryn Ndyabagye

Do you have a compatible relationship?
Are you growing closer in your marriage?

I have been counseling many couples through the years, and I want to share some real problems that I see happening 'too much' in Christian Marriages. It's good to talk about. We all need to look at these issues..

Pastors are people too, and face problems and issues just like everyone else. Many seem to think that pastors do not have problems in marriage, but they do!

There can be balance in marriage, if you learn the secrets to how to deal with each other.

I want to start by pointing out good and bad points, what causes marriage to break down and what builds it up to be happy and successful....

Points that cause marriage to fail:
*Living apart from each other too long
*Not praying together
*Wanting to change your spouse instead of accepting your spouse the way he/she is.
*Controlling your spouse - Here are some ways people
try to control their spouse:
*Trying to run them and not allowing
your spouse to make their own decisions
*guilt trips, and head games
*Verbal abuse, and Physical abuse (Not accepted by God)
*Refusing to having sex, in order to your way
*Only thinking of yourself in sex and not
pleasing your spouse.
*Being stubborn and not working together
*Threats or blackmail
*Talking to people outside your house about
your marriage problems (gossiping and trying to force the spouse to bend your way through people)--instead of working them out between you and your spouse only--keeping it sacred and private.
*Refusing to seek marriage counsel when your marriage has gone sour.
*Infidelity, adultery always cause your Marriage vows to be broken and are not approved by God. You will lose your marriage
blessing and ONENESS if you break trust. God gave you a yoke when you married so keep it real before God. Keep in mind--When you hurt
your spouse you are also hurting God.

Points that cause Marriage to be Blessed and Closer:

*Put God first in your marriage.
*Never lose your faith.
*Always pray together and trust God through hard times.
*Try to avoid arguing about dumb things.

*Try not to pick on each other's faults. Love your spouse as they are, and try to overlook them, or find a nice way to talk to your spouse, if something bothers you.
*If your spouse has a problem and needs to discuss it with you, take it to heart to understand and be a good example of loving them and listening with concern and pray with them too after you talk it out.

*Keeping the love and understanding between you like when you dated.
*Never stop pleasing each other.
*Do not get selfish, and be opened to each other-- be willing to change for the other.
*Not allowing either one of you to control the other. Be a team instead--in all your ways.
*Do not go to bed angry. Make sure to work out problems between yourselves before you go to bed, so it does not affect your sex life.
*Never share your problems you have between each other, with others. Keep it between both of you only--and work them out

*Never be too proud to forgive or say you are sorry. Admitting you are wrong shows maturity in your life in Godly .
*Go out on dates, or make time for your spouse to laugh with them or share good times together.
*Keep communicating.
*Find ways to always please each other each day.
*Be a blessing to each other, and avoid arguing unless it's to work out a problem and find a solution.
*Do nor harbor resentments or hold grudges of past mistakes. Let them go and move on to keep the relationship fresh and loving.
*Never control each other and allow each other to be yourselves.
*Find equality in your relationship and respect.
*Never use curse words or abusive statements in your talks. Always try to be calm and assertive when talking to each other to avoid fights.
*Always be loving and try to understand each other.
*If you get upset or mad, try to go and cool down before you talk it out.
*Love each other in bed, and stay in love.
*Pray when you run into difficulties in your marriage, and compromise so that you can find good solutions to the problems.
*If you run into some major problems in your marriage, seek a professional marriage counselor so that you can get things worked out.

*URGENT: Do not go to relatives or friends with your problems, because this can  cause
you and your spouse to be enemies or separate. Never involve your family in your problems. Keep your life private so there is no outside bias or interference.

*Always go to bed happy so that you will have a wonderful night.
*Compliment each other, tell each other you love each other, and you appreciate them. Do this each day. Both spouses need to feel appreciated and hear it.
*Do nice things for each other, cook a meal. bring surprise flowers home,  or a card
sometimes. This blesses will each other.
*Never stop dating. Find time to enjoy sports, outdoors, or an activity.
*Wait a year before having children. Have children when you are ready financially--after you allow yourselves to be alone for awhile. Allow that time to get to know each other and adjust first.
*Do not allow relatives to pressure you into having kids before you can handle it--both
financially and before you are ready to do so.
*Always be faithful and true to each other.


I did a survey to see exactly what men and women are looking for in marriage, and was shocked at some of their approaches and answers.

If you want to know what people think, ask them these questions and you will be surprised at some of their answers.

*I asked them their three best qualities.
*What exactly they are looking for in a mate.
Most men are looking for a woman to be his housekeeper, raise kids, and submission.

I don't hear them say much about that they want a woman who takes charge, loves God, who I can be 'ONE WITH' who I can share interests with, have fun with, and enjoy life. They always seem to want that 'servant woman' instead of a Team partner.

I ask the women the same questions.Women want a man who is working, stable, who is kind, and treats them well, is faithful, honest, and does not play games, or cheat.

Men make a big mistake in picking women to be their maid or just to serve them. Hey, there  is more to marriage than that men! You have to establish a mate that will lead with you and be your partner. 

I am going to be very frank with the men here.... Many do not know how to find a lady. Many even have wrong intentions when trying to find a spouse.  Women also are guilty of this. Both are confused sometimes and not clear what they are doing or looking for.

Many times men and women do not know exactly what they want, nor do they talk to God about what type of spouse they want. God needs to hear it from you!

When you pick a mate you always take that person to your parents for them to approve and meet right? Well when you are going to find a mate, God wants you to talk to him so he can find the right one for you.

Thinking of exactly why you want to get married, what you are looking for in a person, what you do not want, and what you do, are very important. You can't just pick anyone.

You really need God's guidance so you don't mess up.

To find the right type of person, it takes time.

 woman he wants. It's so important to really get to know a lady you are interested in first, being only friends. Find out what she is inside and out.

Finding a lady is not like shopping at a grocery store or picking out a fruit. Because if you notice, piece of fruit can be rotten or nicely ripe inside. If you rush and do not use the wisdom of God when finding a mate, you will make a sorry mistake.

If you know about the lady and take the time to know who she is inside, then you will see if this is the type of woman you really want. If you rush it, you will miss out on that time to really get to know her.

What is she like when she gets mad? What is she like when she is faced with problems? Can you deal with her when she is mad? You must know every part of her person so see what you think.

You must see a woman as her own self, and a human God made--just the way she is. She has a calling. God wants to accomplish things in her life also. Please do not forget this!

Know her ins and outs. and give yourself a year to do that.

Most men hunt for women just to have a companion and do not consider what type of woman they want, and what would go with their own personalities.

Men, you should know what you want in a lady and look for a lady with those qualities.

Take time by slowing down, so that you study her well. See how her personality is, know her likes and dislikes, know what makes her happy and sad, (without putting her down).

Don't be so quick to find a lady or you could end up with someone you do not want to be with the rest of you life. Don't rush as you choose.

Women, be sure you know a man well. Do not just think he can sweet talk you and that is it. There is more to him than that.

Watch how he behaves to you. See if he is sincere in all of his ways.

Is he stubborn and hard to talk to? Is he easy to communicate with?

Does he anger easily? Watch that trait. Not a good one. 

How does he treat others?

How does he treat women?

You need to study him to see exactly what type of man he is and what he really wants from you.

If you take your time to study him and get to know him. then you will be able to decide later if he is the right man for you in God. The Lord will show you!

Women need to really know a man will treat her right when they meet. Women need to be pickier when finding a man. Not just take anyone. Know him well, see if he is a controlling and manipulating man, or a humble and kind man and really lives a Godly life. Some men really do not live the life in Christ, Others do. So you want to make sure to know him well.

See if he learns from you as well as you learn from him. The key is being ONE together in spirit.  If there is too much dominance, then this could be a sign he is too controlling.

You want freedom to be the lady God made you. You want a man who can accept and love you as you are, and who does not want to change you.

Avoid arrogant men, who are prideful and anger easily. If you marry this type of man who is too possessive, he can be abusive to you.

Ladies need to focus on man who is understanding and slow to anger. Who fears God and walks in the Word. A man who will always respect you for being you.



Many times men only see a woman as 'his property'.

This type of thinking is very possessive, arrogant and prideful and is not good.

Jesus teaches about people who are 'puffed up' and that we are not to act this way with our family and the body of Christ.

 If you can't see a lady as her own self, freedom to be her,  freedom to choose in God, then you better consider praying about how to be a better man in God. This can and will cause big problems in your marriage.

An abusive man and possessive and extremely jealous has problems.

Unless his wife is at fault and cheats, then a man has a right to investigate himself. But otherwise, to be normally excessive in behavior is not healthy or scriptural.

Many pastors try to be the dominate/agressive leader and is abusive even to his own wife.

These types are not following the behavior of Jesus Christ.

Love should reign in a heart of a pastor with humility and consideration to his family.

So men need to really think of how you treat your family or your name will not mean much in your Church.

You have to be accountable to God when Jesus comes. How can you go to heaven when Jesus comes if you are so mean?

Some men have been abused by their parents and they end up being an abuser too.

So always be careful whom you marry and make sure not to marry someone who could harm you.

Find out how their family life was first. Find out if the father was abusive. If he was, be sure your man is not the same way.

Many do not know how to treat their mate, therefore, this causes many problems and drives their mate away, or causes them to rebel, or be an introvert.

Women already know their roles as a giver, so it's not necessary for a man to treat a woman like she doesn't know. 

If men concentrated more on loving her and pleasing her, she would do more for him because he is so kind to her :)

No need to order her around. This will only make her mad, and feel degraded. You never want to make your lady angry do you?

Just think of it this way. Would you like your wife to treat you like a butler? Then don't treat her like a maid. :)

It's really a very disrespectful way of acting when a man always talks about himself and never hears, or cares about the life of the woman he married to.

What woman wants a man who is only into himself and self-centered in pride?

A Husband should there for his wife, as well as, the wife be there for the husband. It's all about being a team in giving to each other and building each other up. THIS IS BIBLE FOLKS!

Husbands need to care enough to listen to their wife with a true interest. And care about how she feels, and what she wants in life. She should be part of the decision making.

If he is doing all the talking and wants her to only listen to him, he will never get to know who she is as a wife.

It's not all about the man, though women do stand by their man. AMEN!

A man must stand by his lady too :) Share and share alike. AMEN That is what being ONE is all about. Not making a person less that you.

Have you ever thought of this? It's by Satan's authority for the heart of man to be abusive, proud, arrogant and mean. It's not of God.

God is not the author of confusion. So, a man who says he loves God and abuses his household is a hypocrite before God. And is not any part of God.

To be honest, I have seen women give up her dreams, and her own calling in God, just to get married to a man who causes her to lose her own sense of being.

Many give up their identities for men. This is really not right in the sight of God. This is not what God wants. God still wants a lady to be herself too.

God never ordains any man to be abusive...

Maybe men do not realize their stand in God and compassion that they lose sometimes after marriage.

If men get lazy in their love become hard, and lose their devotion to their marriage, this breaks the ONENESS they had in the first place.

Remember, you may have a calling in God, and you must always respect your wife's calling also, this is respecting God!

Both of you back each other up in your calling. Support each other and be sure you do God's will together! AMEN

You can't take her talent or calling of God away from her. Not only is she supposed to please you, she also has to please God too. And Vice versa. AMEN

Not only is the lady to respect and honor her husband--the husband is told in scripture to honor and respect his wife also. :)

Many women feel cheated, because they marry a pastor who puts demands on her, and leaves her all the time alone to accomplish his own ministry, and does not include her as part of it ,or allow her to participate.

He just expects her to do all the raising of the kids at home, without being a father to his own kids or leader in his own household.

When a man is gone all the time, he is not there for his family.  So where is the head of the family at?

Proverbs 27:8 As a bird that wandereth from her nest, so is a man that wandereth from his place.

She ends up empty and unhappy. A man should be a father to his kids, learning how to enjoy them, have happiness in the home, sharing, teaching and being a Godly example and being like the Love of Christ to his wife and kids.

If man is going to be the leader of the home in God, he should be around most of the time when he is not working or preaching.

A wife of a missionary once told me, she wondered why she got married. She feels single because her husband is not in her life or present.

Now, that is sad to me! Marriage was not what she thought it would be. The ONENESS went out the window.

People, we need a new perspective on the Bible. If more people knew and remembered what the Bible said about marriage, and separation from each other, many couples would think twice about leaving each other for long periods of time.

The Bible says not to stay apart very so you won't be tempted. This is one of the big problems that happens to pastors marriages today. And many marriages end from this same problem. These are pastors I am talking about. We need to be examples to our families and the world--and it starts at home!

Women were not made to just be married and pushed aside--taken for granted or forgotten.

A woman and man need to nourish each other in their marriage and care about what God would want to do in their lives--together. Planning together and be together.

They are both responsible for raising their kids. Men should be responsible to his wife, and family to be there enough to be part of that family, and to help with the upbringing and raising of the children. And leading them in the Lord.

Men need to work and provide for the family. If you are a pastor struggling, you need to be working so you can support your family as well as  your ministry.
God ordained that a man should work to care for his family.

Couples who get married should be going into marriage not to change each other, accept each other as you are, and in love.

If both of you are called by God, Of course, there should be mutual respect for both callings, and work that God gave to each of you, and both should be willing to support each other with both. You can still be a close family at the same time.

Women need an active role of being a part of husband's life, she need to feel like his spouse and best friend, not like a background piece to put away and neglected. She needs to be her husband's best friend. She needs to feel that she is loved and appreciated.

So men, don't let your marriage get old and stagnant. And don't be so distant, so you won't lose them. And surely you can't think that a lady will wait for years for you if you are gone all the time.

Marriage is a commitment to each other. Yes we all want goals fulfilled like: Going to college, holding meetings, etc.

And when you plan these things you should plan to take her with you. Not leave her at home for months at a time. That is too hard on your relationship and many marriages can't handle that.

Always work out better plans for your spouse. Take your spouse with you... Don't try to take advantage of the situation or it might back-fire on you!

How would God feel if you got saved and never talked to him and had to be gone from prayers for months. How would your relationship be with God?

I know some pastors who go abroad and leave their wife and kids for several years. Only seeing them once a year and still he continues to go for years, and continue this schedule. To be honest, I couldn't live like that at all.


Men, who do this have no clue how to be a husband. How can they? They are not being one.

The Children do not know their dad much anymore, and the wife has not partner anymore.

This is very sad and against what the Bible speaks about marriage.

Spouses need to stay together side-by-side, NOT SEPARATED. Why get married if you are going to live apart like that? Oh God help people to understand how to make their marriages work. AMEN

1 Corin. 7:5 Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.

I can understand a single person going abroad and finishing college when not married. That is OK. Not when you are married.

You can't expect your spouse to Keep your love fresh and new. AND  If a lady feel too alone, she will let her husband know.

And men, you will think she is going to attack you and wonder how to calm her down. First of all, when a woman gets angry--This means you are doing something wrong. So see what you are doing and correct yourself to make her happy again. Part of growing in marriage is to correct our mistakes. AMEN

You can mess things up if you refuse to see what it is she is upset about. Most of the time it's a problem at home or something you did. Be patient and try to work it out. otherwise if you do not work with her, you can cause the marriage to be lopsided.

You must listen to her and understand her feelings of what she can, and can't handle. Heed her warning seriously..

You can't expect a lady to learn to live without you when you are not around. You must have a good understanding and good communication.

Do not take her words lightly if she needs to discuss how things are bothering her--do it and find solutions!

One pastor I talked to told me, he married his wife because he needed an interpreter for his meetings. Can you believe that? I was so shocked!  I was thinking to myself, "You have to be kidding me!" I was wondering where he learned the Bible at?

To be honest, I was raised to believe that you should marry a person because you love them! Not marry to use them.

There is nothing better than finding a person you have things in common with, Like God, the call of God, love everything about them, enjoy their company, not marrying them for just your own needs, or money, but because of who they are. It has to be about love!

I have heard men say, "I need to find a wife this year, or right away. Like, they are putting an order in for a wife at a store :)

Men really have a lot to learn about finding a woman. It really has to be God's timing to bring a wife. (same goes for a lady to find a  husband).

Always pray to God about bringing that person into your life and be patient with God. Don't do it yourself, or  who knows who you will pick? Then that mistake will be on you!

When I hear these men and women ask me about how to find a mate,  I am so thankful for the men and women, who take their time, and are willing to wait on God.

The best thing to do is pray about it and ask God to bring that person to you.

When you are guided by the Holy Spirit in listening to God, taking things one day at a time. God always brings the right person for them that way--hand-picked by God. AMENI

Know we are all capable of mistakes and choosing the wrong person when we rush. AMEN

I have actually had a pastor tell to me  that he could not make his wife submit!! Again I was shocked...

For you don't make people submit! Submitting is when a person volunteers to submit on their own, not be forced to.

If a man thinks he has to force a lady to submit, he has wrong attitude to the wife, and is using the wrong approach.

Some men use their faults as an excuse in trying to make their wife submit.

Stop trying to make her submit. Just talk to her and work out the problem like a man.

ALWAYS BE RESPECTFUL TO YOUR WIFE... NO HITTING ALLOWED, NO ABUSE, to the gift God gave to you--YOUR WIFE. This is not what God wants you to treat your wife like. Watch your attitude or repent. AMEN

Just because men could not get their own way, or an answer from her, as he wanted, or get their wife to agree with him, because of something he was doing that was not right--which made her mad in the first place!

Men usually get into trouble when they don't listen and figure out what he did to mess up, and make his wife mad.

This is the key to solving the problems. Men need to be humble enough to work that out with his wife and pay attention. :)

If a woman is being selfish, the man should be kind enough to talk to her respectively, and discuss it too.

The lady should listen to her husband, and and talk things out, they both have to hear both sides, and it is the best way to help solve these problems.

Both need to stay sincere with each other, really watch that their own heart is not becoming selfish. Selfish really hinders your relationship to your spouse and kids.

Listen to your wife when you are wrong, and don't be afraid to learn from her.

say you messed up and were wrong. It does not make you look bad, because it takes a real man of God to admit when he is wrong, and change his ways.

A loving true man of God can learn from his wife. You  both learn from each other. AMEN

I have seen more men mess up their life, because they didn't listen to their wives. Men need to start listening to their wife more.

Many refuse to hear the warnings that their wives say to them.

Women have an ability to see things that a man can't see. And if they do not heed the warning, the men will make many mistakes. God gave you a HELPMEET for a reason and one of her jobs is to look out for you spiritually too. :)

If your rebellious and prideful nature get in the way it blocks your blessing so listen to your wife!

God spoke to Abraham after Sarah had Isaac. God told Abraham to listen to her and do what that she says to you. Because Abraham listened to her. God's will went forward in his life, because he listened, and did what she said.

Genesis 21:12
God said to Abraham, Do not let it seem grievous and evil to you because of the youth and your bondwoman; in all that Sarah has said to you, do what she asks, for in Isaac shall your posterity be called.

And if a man is doing something, with the family money, or not paying bills for the family, things that can affect them in a bad way, the wife can talk to him about it, and if he disregards her warning, and does not hear her, this will cause big problems for their food, and whatever she told him, and will cause trouble in the marriage.

A lady has every right to say something to her husband when God shows her something or there is a problem in the home.

It's the man's job to take care of it not ignore her.  It's up to a man if he wants to listen to what God is speaking through her, or not.

The last part of Malachi 2:15 Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously against the wife of his youth.

A man should have common sense and good judgment to know when to listen and care what his wife has to say.

Any man who disregards his wife's words when there is a need in the home--he is being selfish, that man needs to repent. For God is not happy when he ignores his wife. It shows he has no compassion or love to her much.

One man could not understand why his wife would not submit to him, because he wanted to buy things for the Church, and she wanted the money used for things in their home for their family.

The wife wanted to get food in the house for her and the kids. When a man can't take care of his family, how can he manage a Church?

So it would have been better for him to take care of his house first and family then he could save up for the Church needs later. Family should be taken care of first. AMEN.

That is a  man's responsibility from God to his wife and family. In that order.

Many people use the excuse that MINISTRY comes before family. But this is incorrect.

God made Adam and Eve and creation first before he called anyone into ministry. So family comes first and even the Bible says if you can't manage your home, how can you manage the Church.
1 Timothy 3:4-5 "He must manage his own household well, with all dignity keeping his children submissive, for if someone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he care for God's Church?"

I stayed with an Evangelist woman who had a son. He was hungry all the time. She could barely buy any groceries for him.  I also learned this boy had Sickle Cell Anemia, and I knew he could die from it. He needed to eat good nutritious meals, and needed medical care.

She was more concerned about buying a cell phone or the money for her meetings at her services, and her clothes, than she was to take care of her sick son's needs.

This made me sad for her son. I knew this was not right and prayed God would open her eyes.

Men and women need to really know how to budget money, how to prioritize their money to meet the needs of the food and clothing for their family.

Men need to get jobs as God ordained for men to work for their families. To take care of their families right.  

Other things have to wait sometimes, because your family is your first calling and responsibility. So we all are responsible for taking care of our family, so that they will not suffer.

There is no regard or love in being selfish. You have to set aside your own desires to take care of your responsibilities. This is what loving your family is all about. AMEN

Back to Marriage...
When people marry and are supposed to be in love--the honeymoon is never over. If the honeymoon is over then the couple is not working out their problems, and are not solving them, it has caused a wedge between them. They end up unhappy together or grow apart.
When criticisms, and arguing become a habit in marriage--it tears each other down. When women nag their men, and men put their women down, with negative comments tear each other to threads and it hurts both of you. 
If you want to overcome arguing, you try forgetting about your selfishness and be nice to one another and find a way to work things out positive.

Find out what your problems are and find solutions. :) That simple!

To find a way to be please each other in that hard moment,
building each other up. Saying good things and enjoying each other in all things, and working together to keep the marriage healthy and happy in God.

FORGIVE...LET IT GO. It's not worth fighting about AMEN!

I encourage couples to think about these things and think of ways they can get their marriage on the right track again.

Maybe you have been through what I talked about, or are experiencing it now. I pray God will help you to both sit down and find ways to work together to find the solutions you need to improve and enhance your marriage.
1 Thessalonians 5:11 Therefore encourage (admonish, exhort) one another and edify (strengthen and build up) one another, just as you are doing.
Make a Free Website with Yola.